ORLANDO, Fla. – Belligerent subjects. Family members held captive by circumstance. A tense situation that at any moment could escalate into something worse.
For crisis negotiator Scott Walker, it’s a living.
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“What if we mess up? People die,” Walker said. “In pretty much most of the kidnapping cases where, I mean, think about it, it’s the most unregulated, ungoverned, dangerous industry in the world. Yet it works 93% of the time.”
Walker worked for 16 years as a detective for Scotland Yard in kidnap and counterterrorism cases, and then for government and private organizations around the world as a hostage negotiator.
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“We use certain tools and techniques and strategies that work with human beings, no matter where in the world this applies, and the experience taught me how do we think, feel and act, particularly in times of stress or overwhelm or uncertainty or high emotion, like the holiday season,” Walker said.
That’s right, the holiday season, when we’re surrounded by different generations of relatives with very entrenched opinions — and sometimes we feel like we are held hostage to those conversations. And right after a contentious presidential election to boot.
Even before the November election was over, the stories came out online: How to deal with political arguments over Thanksgiving.
According to the latest poll from Pew Research Center, 26% of Americans surveyed say they are “extremely” or “very likely” to talk about the election, with 36% of surveyed voters for President-elect Donald Trump saying they will talk about the election, compared to 24% of Harris voters.
Some of those discussions could become heated. In a YouGov poll released this week, 17% of Americans surveyed say they are very or somewhat likely to get into an argument about politics. The age group most likely to get into an argument? Adults under 30 with 31%, followed by 25% of adults ages 30 to 44.
That’s why Walker is offering a free hotline on Thanksgiving to help people defuse tension before it leads to something more explosive. People can reserve a spot by going to the Ahead App website.
However, Walker also offered these tips to help you defuse any unwanted or tense conversation. The first step is one you should do before you even get to the big day.
Set the ground rules (if you can)
Maybe you’re hosting the dinner, or maybe you can go to the host and say “I really don’t want to talk about this.” If it’s possible, try to take those conversations off the table before you meet.
Practice Now
However, let’s face it, you’ll always have one person who can’t help themselves. So now is the time to get ready. Know yourself, know what will trigger you, and practice how you handle this.
“What we can do beforehand, to remember awareness and acceptance is the first steps is we can practice on the everyday stuff about how we can regulate our emotions, because emotional self-regulation is the number one skill of the world’s best negotiators, bar none,” Walker said.
Feel your feet
“A little technique that I’ve learned over the years negotiating with kidnappers -- and I’ve got four teenagers so they’re a good practice -- is I just feel my feet on the floor,” Walker said. “Just feel your feet on the floor and the weight of your body in the chair. If you sat down, maybe take a couple of deep breaths, and I guarantee you, in that moment, it will get you out of your head.”
This technique is extremely important for the next step, because you will need to center yourself.
Observe, not absorb
Is anything the relative in question is going to say going to change your opinion? The chance is most likely no. So don’t go in expecting to change their opinion, because it’s just as likely that won’t happen. So try to take in their arguments without letting it get to you.
“’I want you to come around to my way of thinking.’ I mean, think about it for a second. How controlling is that? But we all do. We all do it because that’s our comfort blanket. But at the end of the day, it’s remembering as part of this preparation is all of us, all 6-7 billion of us, want to be seen, heard and understood,” Walker said.
Level 5 Listening
“We used to have a saying around ‘embrace the conflict’ when we’re dealing with kidnappers,” Walker said.
This may be the most challenging, especially if the points the person is making really bother you. But if you are determined to make it through the dinner or the party without escalation, what you need to do is listen. Make mental notes about their points. But you’re not making those notes to refute their points. You’re making those notes so you know what to use to defuse the tension.
Power of the pause
This can be extremely useful if you need to center yourself before speaking. Give yourself a few seconds after the person has spoken. This also helps to drop the overall tension.
“What normally happens is when the emotions get up, I’ve not even finished my sentence, and you’re already jumping in to try and tell me where I’m going wrong or why you disagree,” Walker said. “But if you can just stay silent, and it will feel longer than what it is, just follow 1-2-3, and already that kind of just drops it, drops the tension a little bit, allows the brain to catch up, allows our nervous system to settle, gives us chance to take a few breaths, and then it’s like, ‘right now, I can do what I need to do.’”
Name it to tame it
Now, use those notes to reflect the person’s argument back at them, so they know they are being heard because, at the end of the day, that’s all people want.
“So, you know, ‘it looks like…’ ‘it sounds like…’ ‘it feels like…’ fill in the gaps,” Walker said. “By then, you’re diffusing the tension, and you’ve almost earned the right to then put your viewpoint if that’s what you want to do, or to close it out. But you have to kind of build that trust through empathy and listening.”
Now, there are two paths you can take.
“Can you have a genuinely honest, decent, friendly debate, and you may be able to pitch and catch with each other and do so in a mutually respected way to go?” Walker said.
Remember to continue to “name it to tame it,” show curiosity, and use humor when possible, Walker says.
However, if you don’t think this is possible, it’s time to divert the conversation.
Bow out
It’s not about canceling the person, but it is time to move on. Gently make that clear. “I can see you feel passionately about this, maybe we can pick up this conversation at another time.”
Pattern interrupt
Pattern interrupt is a technique that takes a person out of their go-to response to something. It’s not just about changing the topic, it’s about snapping them out of their mindset. Walker suggests standing up, pouring drinks, or serving more food, or putting on music.
“We can do that through physiology, our body. We can do that through music and sounds and smells and taste and that kind of just interrupts that pattern that people can get stuck on, but the only person, the only thing you can control, is yourself,” Walker said.
You can walk away
A family argument about politics is not a life-or-death situation. Say you’ve tried every tactic. This person is not backing down. If you have to walk away, walk away. But what matters now is how you do it. Keep it light, make it clear you tried, but then go.
“Don’t do it with some kind of judgment against the other person, or some holier-than-thou virtue signaling, just do politely and, you know, and kindly,” Walker said.
Walker says “embracing the conflict” is a life skill and it can be transformative but it needs to be practiced.
However, if it’s more than you can handle, the best thing to do may be to stay away.
“Usually, you know, we wouldn’t pick our family,” Walker said. “In lots of cases, we wouldn’t choose them, you know, and that’s OK, you know? In my experience, that’s OK. Sometimes we just need to give them love and blessings and just wish them well.”
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